Transformation – Part 1: The Hospital

We’re all in a state of transformation. As we move through life, people, events, traumas and triumphs mold and change us. Of the many stories that shape us, there are usually a few that stand out as pivotal points in our history.

I’m sitting to write this story. I’m distracted. Not by important things, but by anything that will help me procrastinate. That’s why I feel the best way to share my story is in parts. I’m anxious. I have chills, and I know I’m going to shed tears. But nothing worth doing is ever easy.

I know how hard it is to forge ahead when you come upon the hard stuff. Which is why I to do it. To help you, I must also help myself

“I believe every woman is brilliant! Not smart brilliant, but the glittering, sparkly, striking, luminous type of brilliant. But for many, along life’s bumpy path, that brilliance is dulled, dimmed or becomes lackluster and sadly imperceptible.”

– Sedruola Maruska

The core of this story is why I do what I do. I’m hoping it’ll inspire your brilliance.

How to Discover Your Brilliance

Pregnant

I’m 27, 19 weeks pregnant and lying in the Trendelenburg position in the hospital.

My cervix dilated 4 cm and my amniotic sack is hanging. Until my amniotic sack decides to retreat so my doctor can perform a cervical cerclage (stitch my cervix closed) I lay in this 30 degree inverted position.

Head down, legs up. It’s to help my amniotic sac retreat, but it’s a recipe for heartburn. The only time I’m allowed to sit up, and only for 30 minutes at a time, is when I’m eating. That means, I’m dependent on my nurses to bring me a bedpan as needed.

Transformation - Part 1: The Hospital

When my “upside down” position begins to take hold I’m no longer able to pee into the bedpan so a catheter goes in.

After two weeks of laying there I promise a few things:

  • I’ll lay there for the next 6 months if it means my baby will survive
  • I’ll love my daughter and be the best mom ever so she never misses not having a father
  • No matter what happens, I’m going home with my mom, who’s there with me, to start over and do better.

You see, I’m filled with shame. My baby’s father’s married to someone else. I’m ashamed because I knew better but I didn’t do better.

My Worst Mother-Daughter Conversation To Date

Delivery, Lights Out

Hours after making those three decisions, my water breaks and I go into active labor.

Because I’m now at 21-weeks and she’s not stillborn, I have to deliver my baby naturally. No meds, because there’s no time. Remember, I was already 4 cm dilated when I got to the hospital.

My 21 week old baby girl cannot survive being birthed 19 weeks early. So only a few moments after entering this world, she leaves.

A few hours after delivery the nurse asks if I want to see my baby. Yes.

She brings me this tiny little lifeless human wrapped in what seemed like a huge blanket and I hold her. Crying. Her name is Iliana Ciel and she’s my angel.

I sit with her for some time, I can’t quite remember how long. Then I call the nurse, kiss my angel’s tiny little forehead, hand her over to the nurse and never see her again.

Unable to fulfill 2 of my promises I stick to the third and leave with my mom to go home and spend the next three months doing nothing.

I’m home, sad, hurt, ashamed and healing. I need to get back to being the “good” daughter I’d always been before my “bad” decision.

Subconsciously I decide I don’t deserve greatness, I’m not worthy of what I want. My brilliance goes dark. My transformation foundation is set.


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