Who decides beauty?

Sedruola Maruskaj Blog

I was having a conversation with my sister that turned to beauty. We were talking about marriage and anniversaries and how long some of our cousins have been married. We’re a huge supportive clan so we’ve all been to almost all our family weddings.

Anyway, my sister lamented that she looked “so bad” at our aunt’s wedding, but she just knew she was beautiful back then. “Why didn’t anyone ever tell me about my mustache or unibrow? How did I feel so beautiful?”

I didn’t think long before saying “we told each other we were beautiful so that’s what we all took into the world. We didn’t see your mustache or unibrow as ‘ugly’ we saw them as you.”

Who decides?

The more I’ve thought about that question the more I wonder, who decides what beauty is? Who decides that a woman with a mustache is less desirable than one without?

Did we lie or mislead her?

Mommy, Can I Change My Color?

Who decides whether we did or didn’t? I’m not sure. What I’m sure of is we were sincere in our praise of each other. We loved each other unconditionally and saw our beauty beyond the norms.

I was 95 lbs. until I was 34. That made me self-conscious because I didn’t feel I was beautiful at that size. I didn’t wear bikinis or show my arms. No one told me I wasn’t beautiful, but those I was around had curves I wanted.

My family always told me I was beautiful so I never truly doubted it, but there were counter messages that got through anyway.

At some point, someone in advertising decided what the “ideal” look would be. They took parts of ethnic women and created an ideal that has been etched into our minds. If we don’t feel we fit into that ideal, we think something needs to be changed. But does it really?

No changes necessary

No.

Beauty isn’t a product of what you look like on the outside, it’s a compilation of inner and outer beauty. I’ve seen men and women turned off by beautiful people because their beauty was skin deep. Then I’ve seen those men and women turned on by someone who would never fit the “ideal” because they glowed.

Scars To Your Beautiful

The next time you’re looking at yourself and thinking “I need to change. . . ” stop that thought. Think about your spirit. Think about your aura and consider if that’s what needs changing rather than your outer appearance.

Take it from a woman who walks around with and without breasts . . . no one cares how you look, they only care about who you are. Your person is what they respond to.

“Those who care, don’t matter and those who matter, don’t care.”

You are enough. You are beautiful. You decide, remember that!


Are you failing at life?

Sedruola Maruska | Leisure Life Coach

Remember when your teacher would pull you aside and say “you’re failing this class, you need to do better.” (okay, maybe that was me not you, but go with me here).

Wasn’t it the most sinking feeling? It always felt like judgement upon your head or even worst, you were a failure.

Now you’re an adult with adult responsibilities. You’re even responsible for a few little people and you constantly hear that voice “You’re failing. . . “

But are you really, though? I mean, you’re still here right? You’ve got a job, a family? You pay your bills, taxes and even manage to take a vacation every now and then, right?

Then why do you keep hearing that voice?

If you were failing you’d be . . . well, not alive anymore I think. Who’d want to hire a failure? Who’d want to join lives with a failure, let alone have kids? Who’d want to hang out with a failure. . . would you?

The illusion of failure

The fear of failure is what keeps you “controlled”. The fear that you might “do it wrong” so why try is what keeps you in want.

Here’s a secret. Failure is an illusion. You only see it if you choose to look at it.

6 Lessons learned during my year of me

Let’s say someone is trying to create the worlds first widget. No one knows, so no one’s around to tell them how it’s going. So, they work on it and miss their mark over and over again. Finally, on their two hundredth try their widget does exactly what they imagined it would. Success!!

Do you think they look at the one hundred and ninety nine other tries as failures? I’m thinking no. Why? Because no one was there to tell them they were failing. Because every time they tried, they learned something new. Because they didn’t look at failure as a viable option

Again: Because every time they tried they learned something new.

Failure is an illusion. It’s a story we tell ourselves because it’s a story that’s been told to us.

Try and learn

Instead of saying we tried and failed, what if we said we “tried and learned”? We’ve all heard about Thomas Edison‘s famous line “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” He did not see or look at failure, so he succeeded!

Why are we ready to allow the illusion of failure to derail our efforts? Maybe if we didn’t see anything as failing we’d be more successful in pursuing our dreams.

The next time you’re starting a new project or venture:

  • Do it on your own terms
  • Quiet your negative mind
  • Be bold
  • Remember you’re learning at every turn

Let’s go out and erase failure. Who needs it anyway?


The answer is yes

Sedruola Maruska | Leisure Life Coach

I’m currently an Uber driver for some very awesome reasons. It gives me the opportunity to meet different people and that’s so much fun (to me)!

The other day I picked up a young lady going to the airport. We got into a conversation about where she was going, and what she did for a living.

When she mentioned that she’d graduated from an art college and that she worked as an illustrator for a publishing company I asked a very simple question.

Me: Are you good at drawing?
Her: Well. . . I feel like if I say yes it would seem conceited.
Me: Uh. . .the answer is yes! Because it was a yes or no question.
Her: Yes.

So, I went home and in the course of conversation with my daughter I asked her a few questions.

My worst mother / daughter conversation to date

Me: Sia, are you pretty?
Sia: Yes.
Me: Are you smart?
Sia: Yes.
Me: Are you a good reader?
Sia: Yes.

Whew! After I registered my relief to her answers I explained how happy I was about her answers. I explained that I’m happy she knows her strengths and that she acknowledges them. So I’m sharing that message with you. If you know your strengths, acknowledge them.

When I was Sia’s age (8) or even the same age as the young lady in my car I’m not sure I was as forthright as I am now. I’m pretty sure I would have answered “I think so” rather than “yes”.

Where do we learn that? Boys don’t seem to learn that same lesson. They tend to be more on the “yes” track, even when it’s not true.

The answer is yes. When a yes or no question is asked it’s not meant to stump us, it’s meant to be answered yes or no. Where we get stuck is in wondering what the question asker will think of us when we answer in full confidence.

Hard questions to answer

Some of the questions many of us (ladies) have a hard time answering:

Are you
– Sure?
– Pretty?
– Good at ______?
– Smart?

If you’re sure, pretty, good at or smart, the answer is yes. It’s always yes. When you know the answer is yes and you pretend to be unsure of yourself, others become unsure of you too.

You set the tone. Don’t worry about what others think about your answer. If you’re putting it forth with grace your part is done.

Practice. Ask yourself hard questions that you know the answer to, then answer them confidently. That way, the next time someone asks you a hard yes or no question you can confidently say yes.