Friends While Black: White Mom’s Guide to “The Talk”

Friends While Black: White Mom's Guide to The Talk | Sedruola Maruska

As a Black mother I know the information my son needs as he gets older. It’s information that I’ve learned along life’s path and it’s information that’s standard in the Black community. It’s the talk we have with our sons to help keep the alive as they navigate the world. In the Black community most sons get “The Talk.” So when they’re out together they know, for the most part, what to do to keep each other safe.

As a Black mother to a bi-racial son growing up in a mostly White community I worry. I know that my son’s friends may get him into a situation, where he could lose his life. Because “The Talk” isn’t a staple in White households or communities his friends are ill equipped to help keep him safe.

As my son gets older, as he begins to look more like a black man, a threat, I worry about him going out with friends who don’t understand his reality. Friends who mean well and who grow up learning that “we’re all equal” when that isn’t the case. In most White families there’s no real talk about racism and how pervasive it is. There’s reference to racism “being bad” and “treat everyone the same”. But what that ultimately means is, White kids aren’t aware of the part they can play to counter racism, or acknowledge or notice it in everyday life.

Educate to Elevate: Racial Sensitivity Workshop

The Motivation

Which is why when I spoke at a George Floyd vigil I asked White moms to share the burden, by also having “the talk” with their kids. The talk about what racism is, how it affects their Black or Brown friends, what it means to truly look out for their friends, and how to keep everyone safe in any interaction especially with the police.

Black and White kids are growing up. They’re the professionals of tomorrow who’ll need to decide the futures of Black and Brown people and how they’re treated in the system. If White kids never have “The Talk” they stay blissfully unaware of what’s happening. They don’t develop the ability to have conversations about race or to respond when acts of racism are happening around them. They then become paralyzed in situations where they feel they should say something but feel nervous or afraid to challenge the situation.

Following that speech a few moms reached out and asked where to start. It’s a good question. There’s not much information about the part White mother’s can play in helping their children understand what’s happening when they’re out with Black or Brown friends. So in an effort to start the talk or to spark ideas of things that may happen I’ve pulled together this list of talking points where White mother’s could start having conversations with their children.

Friends While Black: White Mom's Guide to The Talk | Sedruola Maruska

First Things First

It’s important to note a few things before jumping into the list:

  1. Just as Black families have to teach their kids how to stay safe early on, it’s important for White families to start talking to their kids at an early age about the dangers of a racist system. Starting early means kids are used to hearing and processing the information so when they’re older the conversation is already underway and the questions are easier to answer.
  2. Talking about racism is an ongoing conversation. It needs to be as regular as talking about any news in the world. When events happen that are racially motivated, it’s important to discuss it in ways that allows kids to see the racial aspect of it and process a full picture instead of simply saying “that’s wrong” or “that’s sad.”
  3. If White families want to raise kids that are anti-racist they have to model anti-racist actions and educate their children with information that won’t be taught in school.
  4. Educating White kids early gives them the tools to be better allies as they grow up because they’ll have the information and confidence to confront acts of racism when they’re faced with them.
  5. This list addresses mostly teenage children and mostly as it relates to police interaction.

At the bottom of this article is a list of resources to help with further learning.

Discover Your Brilliance

The Talk

Point #1 – Don’t start fights

  • When you’re out with a black friend it’s important not to start a fight. If you start a fight your Black friend may be inclined to “have your back” and if the police are called your Black friend will become the main focus of the investigation. Understand that your Black friend would always be looked at as the instigator, even if you adamantly expressed your part in the fight. Which is why, not starting a fight in the first place is important.

Point #2 – Don’t break up fights

  • When a fight erupts near you, and you’re with a black friend, find security or police on your own. Do not jump in to break up a fight because friendship loyalty is a real thing. If you try to break up a fight, and you’re not successful, your Black friend will likely feel compelled to jump in to help you, then. . . see point #1.

Point #3 – Don’t be upset if your Black friend doesn’t “have your back”

  • When you get into an altercation and your Black friend doesn’t jump in to help, it’s important for you to realize, he’s just trying to get home safely. He does have your back, but in having your back and jumping into a fight or melee he’s putting himself more at risk, because he’s Black, than you are. Do not give him a reason to “have your back” so you can all get home safely. If cops are called he’d be the primary suspect.

Point #4 – Ask an attendant, not a cop

  • When you’re out with your Black or non-white friend and you need directions, go to a gas station, do not find a cop to ask. Putting yourself on a cop’s radar calls attention and if you’re talking to the wrong cop, they’ll make it an excuse to harass you and/or your friend. Basically, limit interacting with cops as much as possible.

Point #5 – Your White Privilege may not always work when with Black friends

  • When you’re a friend with a Black or non-White person, your privilege may be temporarily revoked depending on the cop you may come into contact with. They may see you as just as much of a threat as your Black friend, simply by association. Be aware of that and stay calm. When you’re with your White friends, be aware of how your privilege works. That way, you’ll always be aware of the privilege you hold in any situation and how to use that to help someone you see needs it most.

Point #6 – Be mindful, Ask Permission

  • If you’re driving and you’re pulled over with your Black friend in the car. Be aware and act accordingly. Keep your hands on the steering wheel. Be respectful and ask the officer for permission to move. Do not ask a lot of questions, follow directions. Your Black friend will likely put their hands on the dashboard and stay quiet not moving. That’s because they’ve likely already had the talk about what to do to stay alive. Be mindful of that and follow suit.

Point #7 – When questioned randomly be respectful

  • When a police officer comes over to ask your Black friend questions randomly, stay calm. Do not intervene if things are calm and your friend seems fine. He’s probably already been instructed, at home, not to answer random questions, to ask if he can leave, to ask if he’s being arrested and to stay calm. Follow his lead. If, however, things escalate, that’s the time to intervene and use your voice and privilege. Do not be the one to escalate police interaction. It’s dangerous.

Point #8 – Don’t act stupid

  • When in public places with your Black friend, avoid doing things that draw undue attention to you, especially if it’s a mostly white situation. Attracting too much attention can get misconstrued and put your Black friend in a position where he is seen as menacing and a threat.

This list is not exhaustive and is always expanding. The most important thing to remember is talking to kids about racism early gives them the ability to process events later. Staying quiet means kids will stay quiet which perpetuates the system.

Talking about race helps remove stigma and allows for better conversations and solutions. Take the time and effort needed to talk to your kids about these things. Remember, if it were your child’s life in the balance, you’d want someone to take the time for you.

Resources:


She Crawled Into My Bathroom Stall…

She Crawled Into My Bathroom Stall | Sedruola Maruska

We were living in Miami at the time. Which means I was around eight years old.

I raised my hand.

“May I go to the bathroom?”

“Yes, Sedie, go ahead.”

It was a typical day. We were learning. Things were going fine, until I went to the bathroom.

I heard someone come in.

Then, she crawled under the partition, into my stall.

Her name was Sara. She was in my class. We were friends. It’s foggy, I was eight. We only lived in Miami for six months. I didn’t know her well, but she was my friend.

And here was my friend, Sara, standing in front of me, in my bathroom stall, pulling down her pants and showing me her vagina.

“What are you doing?!”

“Show me yours.”

“NO!”

“Come on?!”

“NO!”

I quickly got up, pulled my clothes together and tried to leave the stall.

She tried to kiss me.

“Stop!”

My eight year old self was confused. What happened? Why did she come into my stall? Why was she showing me her vagina? Why did she want to see mine?

Why did I feel scared? Why did I feel ashamed?

Get a Fresh Start!

I’ve never told that story before. As a matter of fact, I haven’t thought about that incident in a long time

It came to mind because the other day I was talking to my mom about my son. We were sharing about how open he still seems to be at thirteen.

Then I thought about Sara. About how I never told anyone what happened in that bathroom. How, I felt so ashamed and nervous afterwards.

Looking back, I wonder if Sara ever said anything to anyone either. She and I never talked about it. I didn’t tell on her. I didn’t tell anyone, ever. We moved.

As a mom I’d like to think I can protect my kids from hurt. I want to think that they’ll tell me what’s going on with them, by making sure I give them space to be fully open and honest.

But they’re not going to tell us everything. They’re not always going to say when they feel confused or frustrated. Especially if they feel ashamed or nervous.

They’re going to move on and pretend everything’s fine, or they’ll forget.

What happened with Sara? Did she keep crawling under partitions into stalls? Did she grow into herself and acknowledge that she was gay, or at least curious? Or, did she bury herself and her curiosity deep inside because of confusion?

I’ll never know.

Something I do know, our children will never tell us everything. Because when I think about it, I realize that I didn’t.

We didn’t, we don’t tell everything ourselves.

She Crawled Into My Bathroom Stall | Sedruola Maruska

I could have gone home and told my mom about this little girl that came into my bathroom stall. I didn’t. Which is why I’m not naïve enough to think my kids will tell me.

No matter how safe they feel in talking to me, and we work hard to make our home a safe space, they won’t. What I hope is they’ll learn to process and cope.

Until we’re able to process the reasons we keep ourselves buried, we’re destined to live in darkness. We can’t be upset at our children for not sharing everything with us, when we don’t share everything with ourselves.

Homeschooling my daughter the other day, we worked on a reading comprehension activity. I looked at her work and noticed a couple of wrong answers so I sent her back to review. She reviewed then brought it back. I glanced and started to tell her that what she did was wrong as she started to get emotional.

When I looked closer, I was wrong. I didn’t take the time to look closely, thinking I already knew what I was doing, and I was correcting what she’d done, when it was already correct.

I looked at her teary eyes and said “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”

But I didn’t stop there. I want to empower her to speak up so I said “it’s okay to tell me if I’m wrong. I will be wrong sometimes. Okay? No matter who it is, they can be wrong. If you know you’re right, speak up.”

She nodded, smiled and we moved on. What I’m hoping she’ll learn is, even if she’s not willing to tell me everything, she will speak up for herself and process outwardly if necessary.

Click Here if you’re ready to be your best?

As we mature the extent we allow ourselves to learn and grow is the extent we’ll be able to allow others around us to learn and grow.

We’re not called to live anyone else’s life, even our children’s. What we’re called to do is be and project the best versions of ourselves. That’s how we empower ourselves, our children and our loved ones to be the very best of themselves.

Then, when someone does crawl into their bathroom stall, they’re equipped to handle, process and move beyond that situation.

Transformation – Part 1: The Hospital

Sedruola Maruska | Personal Development Coach

We’re all in a state of transformation. As we move through life, people, events, traumas and triumphs mold and change us. Of the many stories that shape us, there are usually a few that stand out as pivotal points in our history.

I’m sitting to write this story. I’m distracted. Not by important things, but by anything that will help me procrastinate. That’s why I feel the best way to share my story is in parts. I’m anxious. I have chills, and I know I’m going to shed tears. But nothing worth doing is ever easy.

I know how hard it is to forge ahead when you come upon the hard stuff. Which is why I to do it. To help you, I must also help myself

“I believe every woman is brilliant! Not smart brilliant, but the glittering, sparkly, striking, luminous type of brilliant. But for many, along life’s bumpy path, that brilliance is dulled, dimmed or becomes lackluster and sadly imperceptible.”

– Sedruola Maruska

The core of this story is why I do what I do. I’m hoping it’ll inspire your brilliance.

How to Discover Your Brilliance

Pregnant

I’m 27, 19 weeks pregnant and lying in the Trendelenburg position in the hospital.

My cervix dilated 4 cm and my amniotic sack is hanging. Until my amniotic sack decides to retreat so my doctor can perform a cervical cerclage (stitch my cervix closed) I lay in this 30 degree inverted position.

Head down, legs up. It’s to help my amniotic sac retreat, but it’s a recipe for heartburn. The only time I’m allowed to sit up, and only for 30 minutes at a time, is when I’m eating. That means, I’m dependent on my nurses to bring me a bedpan as needed.

Transformation - Part 1: The Hospital

When my “upside down” position begins to take hold I’m no longer able to pee into the bedpan so a catheter goes in.

After two weeks of laying there I promise a few things:

  • I’ll lay there for the next 6 months if it means my baby will survive
  • I’ll love my daughter and be the best mom ever so she never misses not having a father
  • No matter what happens, I’m going home with my mom, who’s there with me, to start over and do better.

You see, I’m filled with shame. My baby’s father’s married to someone else. I’m ashamed because I knew better but I didn’t do better.

My Worst Mother-Daughter Conversation To Date

Delivery, Lights Out

Hours after making those three decisions, my water breaks and I go into active labor.

Because I’m now at 21-weeks and she’s not stillborn, I have to deliver my baby naturally. No meds, because there’s no time. Remember, I was already 4 cm dilated when I got to the hospital.

My 21 week old baby girl cannot survive being birthed 19 weeks early. So only a few moments after entering this world, she leaves.

A few hours after delivery the nurse asks if I want to see my baby. Yes.

She brings me this tiny little lifeless human wrapped in what seemed like a huge blanket and I hold her. Crying. Her name is Iliana Ciel and she’s my angel.

I sit with her for some time, I can’t quite remember how long. Then I call the nurse, kiss my angel’s tiny little forehead, hand her over to the nurse and never see her again.

Unable to fulfill 2 of my promises I stick to the third and leave with my mom to go home and spend the next three months doing nothing.

I’m home, sad, hurt, ashamed and healing. I need to get back to being the “good” daughter I’d always been before my “bad” decision.

Subconsciously I decide I don’t deserve greatness, I’m not worthy of what I want. My brilliance goes dark. My transformation foundation is set.