It’s me, your older self.
I’ve missed you. I’ve missed the fire in your soul that brightened up rooms you inhabited. I’ve missed the pick-up-and-go, and I’ve missed my younger self zest!
I say ‘missed’ because after all these years, I’m finally discovering that I buried you, my younger self, in a deep dark place. I’m so sorry.
I was afraid, hurt and so, so ashamed. I felt like you were the problem and didn’t deserve to live full out. I know it’s confusing. You’re wondering why? That’s why I’m writing.
I’m slowly finding you again and I feel terrible that I left you locked up for so long. You need and should have an explanation.
First, I want you to know, your idea that it’s time to find a man is all wrong. You’re young, you’ve got stuff to do, there’s no ‘need’ to find a man.
But I know what’s about to happen so. . . .
Girl, he’s fine. I know! He’s got a warm radiating smile and he knows it. He’s also got eyes that seem to look right through you. Thing is, he doesn’t see you, not really. It only feels like he does cause, you want him too.
He’s good news and bad news. He’s where things start to wobble, beware. Oh, you’ll have fun. You’ll see each other a few times, and it’ll start to look promising.
Then he’ll disappear. What do they call it now? Oh, girl, you’ll get ghosted. Don’t let that rattle you. Yes, I know it’ll feel bad. You’ll be sad. And you’ll wonder what you did, or didn’t do, to make him stay.
You didn’t do anything but be yourself, my younger self. You’re not responsible for decisions others make that don’t include or have anything to do with you.
Everyone’s dealing with their own stuff. You’re okay and there’s more where that came from.
You got ghosted and you’re wondering why. Not only that, you’re panicking. All your girlfriends are getting married and you don’t even have a man. Trust yourself. Don’t be anxious, you’ve got this.
This is where you derail. Where you stop trusting yourself and start trusting someone who doesn’t see you, uses you, and discards you. Don’t go there! This is the one. Not “The One”, just the one that put you in the dungeon.
He’s a doozy. Those eyes. That smile. They get you every time don’t they? He’s not wearing a ring and he’s super helpful. He’s helping you navigate this conference and find your place. Not so bad. Don’t take the number.
I know you, you’re flattered. He’s also a little flustered, it’s cute.
Don’t take the number.
It’s not worth the ending. I’m here, and I see you so clearly and I just want to hug you and say “trust your instincts. You’re right, he’s bad news!”
Don’t throw your instincts away because of this guy. You’ve made it this far, you’re bound to meet someone that won’t be so shady feeling.
Don’t take the number.
I Love You
You didn’t deserve to be in the dungeon. I stopped trusting you. I’m sorry. He was a bad decision. We all make bad decisions, but a bad decision doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.
I felt we weren’t worthy of our bigger dreams. I convinced myself that what we wanted no longer mattered because we weren’t worthy. Looking back I realize now how wrong I was.
We’re all worthy of our dreams. Mistakes happen. They don’t define us. What we do regularly does. Who we are and our worth isn’t dependent on the mistakes we’ve made or failures we’ve had. We are worthy simply because we are.
Somehow I forgot that after our loss. She saved us. I took the safe route and didn’t allow us to be too “big.” I’m happy to say, we’ve turned a corner. I’ve learned a lot and now we’re moving forward in faith, love, hope and joy!
I know we’ve learned a lot along the way. I know all the learning has made us who we are. But it was hard to get past the loss.
For a long time I didn’t know how much I was punishing you, my younger self, for that bad decision.
Now I do.
We’re okay. We’re taking the world by storm and enjoying being “big!”
In everything, always remember, you’re loved more than you know and you’re totally worthy of all you want.
With love, Me